How to Stop Feeling Like a Failure
The idea of failure is a theme that has been emerging within my practice and in my own life. Failure is part of the human experience, and the fear of failing often propels us to keep moving forward. Over this past year, failing seems like a prerequisite to living. The pandemic has tested every one of us, creating challenges that we could never have expected. I have seen so many individuals tackle these obstacles head-on, but amidst this struggle comes deep feelings of failure.
Here are a few examples that I have encountered. I have seen parents feel like failures trying to manage their children’s needs and be their teachers. Teachers feel like failures in their difficulties connecting with students virtually. Doctors feel like failures when unable to save patients with COVID-19. Employees feel like failures when they cannot get anything done while working at home, and children feel like failures when they are unable to keep up with schoolwork or maintain friendships. Even outside of the pandemic, humans still experience feelings of failure. I felt like a failure this year when I couldn’t nurse my daughter shortly after being born. I have also felt like a failure balancing my role as a mom and a working professional.
What is underneath this idea of failure, and why do some feel it more readily than others? Feeling like a failure is connected to the basic idea that we are not enough. (not smart enough, not good enough parents, not attractive enough, etc.) This idea of “not enough” coupled with unrealistically high expectations leads us into a downward failure spiral. Individuals who suffer from anxiety, previous traumas, depression, and perfectionism are more likely to feel like a failure.
So, how do we combat these feelings of failure and move forward?
1. Change Expectations
We can think critically about what is feasible to accomplish and start setting more realistic goals. If we set smaller, more attainable goals for ourselves, we can celebrate these “little wins.” Analyze what is reasonable and actionable within your given circumstance, and start tackling that goal list today! (Should I try and give an example here?)
2. Think Positively
To combat the negative “, I’m not enough” thoughts in our head, we need positive mantras to say instead. Identify all of the positive traits about yourself and come up with reframes for all the negative thoughts swirling around. Instead of “I’m not enough,” say “I am strong,” “I am smart,” “I am unique,” and “I AM ENOUGH!” Even if we don’t believe these mantras at first, when we repeat positive phrases, little by little, we start accepting them as truth. Check out my previous blog post on positive affirmations for more ideas on using these reframes and even incorporating movement. Another way to think positively is to name things you are grateful for or write them down in a journal. Visual cues can also be a great way to combat feelings of failure. Try drawing a picture or cutting out images from a magazine that represent positive aspects of yourself and your future goals. Create a vision board combining pictures, words, and phrases that motivate and inspire you to be your best self.
3. Find the Lesson
Instead of seeing failure as proof that you are inadequate, try and find the lesson it can teach you. Each time we fail, we have an opportunity to reflect and learn something about ourselves to help us grow and avoid making the same mistake again. Reframe your mindset from I am a failure to I am a learner and a grower!
When those feelings of failure creep up, recognize what is happening. Try and identify a small win, a positive personality trait that contributed to that win, something you are grateful for, and something valuable that you learned. With a bit of reflection and positive thinking, we can overcome our feelings of failure and start recognizing our success and self-worth.